Peri Pop Quiz

 
My plan was to take a few perimenopause quizzes and share the results with all of you, my Sisters of the Change. I encountered a few snags, however. All the quizzes seemed either to be advertisements disguised as articles pushing participants toward specific treatments such as hormone replacement therapy or they seemed likely to generate spam. Other quizzes appeared to be geared toward gals who are just starting to ask Wait, am I perimenopausal? Toward ladies still googling “hot flash” and “Why is my vagina a desiccated coffin?”

We’re well past that point over here. We know what time it is even if we forget five minutes later.

So, I’ve designed my own quiz for you all entitled What Circle of Perimenopausal Hell Do You Inhabit? Enjoy!

My general temperament lately best matches:

1. Snow White
2. Clair Huxtable
3. Joan Crawford (in Mommie Dearest)

The last time I cried it was because:

1. I re-watched the Joy Luck Club.
2. I saw Sara McLachlan's ASPCA commercial.
3. I'm crying right now.

When I wake during the night, I'm likely to:

1. go back to sleep.
2. regret multiple life choices and consider the diseases I might be developing.
3. doggy-paddle in a pool of my own sweat.

If I eat a piece of cake at my nephew's birthday party (and one for breakfast the next day), I:

1. won't think of it again.
2. might feel a slight junk food hangover.
3. won't be able to zip any of my pants by the next afternoon. 

The song lyrics that most match my feelings of self-worth are:

1. RuPaul: Work! Sashay, shantay!
2. Ani DiFranco: I am 32 Flavors and then some.
3. The Smiths: And you go home and you cry and you want to die.

Scoring: Actually, it doesn’t matter because perimenopause is a continuum that requires more nuance than five questions with multiple choice answers provide. Also, it’s a joke.

I find exaggeration therapeutic because making something ridiculous makes it less uncomfortable, less scary, and therefore, more acceptable. And it’s important that we accept ourselves at the very least because no woman reaches mid-life without having suffered—regardless of the joys we’ve known. The truth is that I am becoming more powerful, more creative. I see the examples in my job, my friendships, and how I spend my time. If I need to take more naps to accommodate that, so be it.

I hope you will keep reading so we can keep each other company. Feel free to share your perspective in the comments section. Until next time, enjoy Alana Davis covering Ani DiFranco’s “32 Flavors.”